Respectful parenting is a very proactive and applied approach that is based on connection instead of control. Parents work in partnership with their child(ren) to determine how to meet their needs and value those needs just as much as their own. It models that everyone’s needs are important, not just those in power. Instead of using behavior modification to force a child into compliance, parents focus on understanding the needs through love and connection.
Here are some ways to put respectful parenting into practice.
· Let love lead your decisions
· Put the relationship first
· Stay flexible
· Say “yes” as much as you can
· Explore cooperative solutions
· Remember, behavior is communication
· Listen for feelings and needs
· Avoid blame, shame, judgement, guilt
· Listen more than you speak
· Notice what they notice
· Share joy
· Use clear, actionable language
· Co-regulate to calm strong emotions
· Set safe boundaries
· Acknowledge their needs
· Respect their opinions
· Empower them
Here are some things you don’t want to do when putting respectful parenting into practice:
· Don’t try to control everything
· Don’t get hung up on an expected outcome
· Don’t use shame and guilt when things don’t go the way you expected
· Don’t focus on correcting the behavior
· Don’t train the child to meet the needs of the adult
· Don’t use fear as a motivator
· Don’t expect conformity and obedience
Before reacting to a behavior, ask yourself these questions:
· Is my response helpful?
· Is my response respectful and kind?
· What do I hope to gain by my response?
· Will my response build or break trust?
· Will my response build or break my child’s spirit?
· Would I like for someone to respond to me in the way I am about to respond to my child?
· How would I feel if someone else responded the way I am about to?
· Is my response based on my feelings or ego?
· What will my response model to my child?
· Are my expectations reasonable and age appropriate?
· Am I communicating my expectations clearly?
There are six words we use as guiding principles to practice respectful parenting in our unschooling family: joy, trust, freedom, connection, partnership, and authenticity. Every decision and every interaction among family members touches upon at least one of these principles. When they don’t, it’s time to reassess and regroup.