The journey to unschooling and respectful parenting is a process and looks different for every person and every family. But, after having numerous conversations with other unschooling parents, it seems most of us go through a similar process; the timing may vary, but we tend to have many of the same experiences, feelings, and emotions. Since oftentimes this journey can be lonely, I decided to put these “stages of awakening” down in writing and share it in hopes that it might bring comfort to others. Personally, I like to see ideas in a more concrete form because when they are swirling around in my head it’s harder for me to make sense of things; so here is my list of the 7 stages of awakening to unschooling.
- Rebelling Against Traditional Parenting and Schooling
- Comparing and Contrasting Yourself and Your Kids to Others
- Feeling Self-Doubt and Fear
- Learning to Trust the Process
- Finding Community
- Mourning Your Own Childhood and Healing
- Continuing to Challenge Beliefs and Let Go of Conditioning
Let’s take a look at each one individually with descriptions and examples.
Rebelling Against Traditional Parenting and Schooling
Typically, the word “rebel” has a negative connotation whether being used as a noun (a person going against the norm) or a verb (the act of going against the norm) because resisting or defying the rules or rising up against the norm initially causes fear and discomfort. When you choose to do something different, it forces others around you to confront their own choices. Rather than face the reality that their choices may not be the best, people keep doing what they are doing just like everyone else; by doing so they don’t have to face the fear and discomfort if they just keep the status quo. But being a rebel is a way to create positive change by questioning and resisting rules that are holding people back and finding new ways of doing things that are more beneficial.
So, what does this rebellion look like? You start questioning the need and validity of structured schooling. You start questioning mainstream parenting tactics such as forced bedtimes, limiting screentime, controlling what food your child eats, forced hygiene, and punitive punishments. You give your kids more freedom to make their own choices rather than making all their decisions for them. You let them eat what they want when they want (maybe not all the time in the beginning). You let them watch television or play video games for a long time without saying anything or trying to get them to do something else (even though in the beginning you are fearful this will ruin them in the long term). You don’t force them to take a bath or brush their teeth (even if it’s been days and you are afraid their teeth will fall out and the grandparents would be appalled). You don’t make them go to bed at certain time or at least let them stay up an hour or two past their usual bedtime. You don’t send your kids to school when everyone else is or you pull your kids out of school. Basically, you start testing the waters of giving them more freedom in some or all aspects of their life. This can go on for a while as you slowly give more freedom and become more comfortable with not controlling every aspect of their lives.
Comparing and Contrasting Yourself and Your Kids to Others
In this second stage, you start thinking more about how your newfound freedom and choices compare to what others around you are doing. You might start to notice how much other parents helicopter over their kids while at the playground and you think that compared to others I give my kids a lot of freedom because I let them run around and play without following them around everywhere. You see a family while out shopping and notice the kids are all clean and tidy and dressed very nicely and your first though is I bet those kids didn’t get to pick out their own clothes; my kids might look a bit messy, but they had the freedom to dress themselves and are happy with their choices. During a playdate you get out the snacks for your kids that they picked out themselves and wonder if the other kids were allowed to choose their own food. While running errands you notice some seemingly well-behaved kids and wonder if they have a lot of rules and are afraid of getting in trouble all the time. And then you wonder if people think your kids are well-behaved or wild.
This stage puts you in a state of hyperawareness and hypersensitivity to everything you see, everyone you see, every choice you make, and every choice your children make. It can be overwhelming at times processing and filtering so much new information. And that’s when the next phase creeps in…
Feeling Self-Doubt and Fear
The third stage in the awakening process is when all the new information you have been become open to during the comparing and contrasting phase turns into a million questions flooding into your brain. Do my kids look okay? Will people think less of our family because of how they are dressed? Maybe I should pick out their clothes before we go out so they look more put together instead of letting them choose on their own. Am I doing the right thing by not forcing my kid to do math worksheets every day? What if they never learn how to do multiplication? What if I am screwing up my kid and they end up living with me forever because they can’t get a job because I didn’t send them to school? What if? What if? What if?
It’s totally normal to have all of this self-doubt and fear. Especially, when you grew up so differently and are treading in new water, doing things you didn’t experience yourself, so you don’t have any reference points other than what you are experiencing and feeling right now. Humans like familiarity and when we are doing something new it feels uncomfortable for a while.
Even after unschooling for the past 3-4 years, I still have moments where the self-doubt and fear creep in. For example, this past spring my son and I attended a ceremony for two brothers in his Boy Scout troop that were receiving their Eagle Scout award. During the ceremony, there were multiple speakers talking about all the incredible achievements the boys had earned during high school – they were in multiple honor societies, state champions in sports, co-valedictorians, and so many other awards and recognition that I can’t even remember; they were involved in social activities at their school; they were well liked by their peers, teachers, and coaches. You name it. They had it. And for a moment, I had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that I was taking away the opportunity for my kids to experience all of this because they weren’t going to traditional school. I mean, my kids are smart and social and athletic and fun; adults and their peers like them. If they wanted to work toward any or all of those achievements, they could absolutely earn them. If those types of things were important to them, they/we would find opportunities for them to earn similar achievements.
But that’s just it…they aren’t interested in those types of things because they aren’t exposed to an environment where winning awards and being better than your peers at whatever you are doing is important. I don’t say this to take anything away from the other boys’ achievements; they are well deserved. But priorities in an unschooling family look different than in other families. I had to remind myself of all the good things going on in their lives and how important their freedom is. The time they have to enjoy their childhood and do things simply for the joy of it is more important than having a certificate to show others they have done something. Their motivation for doing things is internal, not external. They don’t feel like they must get something in return to feel good about themselves and their choices. They live a life where they can take things as fast or as slow as they want to and just enjoy themselves. This is what we want as adults, and my unschooling kids get to experience it now too. My kids are happy and confident and thriving. And just like that, I pushed away my self-doubt and fear and felt good about our choice to be an unschooling family.
To move beyond the self-doubt and fear and get to the next phase of this awakening, you need to face your fears head on. Ask yourself some tough questions and be honest with yourself as you answer. What am I afraid will happen if my kids don’t do XYZ? Would that outcome matter in the short term? Long term? Ever? Do I care if others don’t understand or approve of our choice to unschool? If I do care, why? Doing this can be tough, but it’s essential if you are going to trust the process.
Learning to Trust the Process
Learning to trust the process and allowing learning to unfold naturally will take time as you begin to make the paradigm shift and really change the way you think about learning during the fourth stage of awakening. When you and your child are still operating in a school mindset, you aren’t seeing how they actually learn. When you step back and become more observant, you start to see how they approach new things and take in new information. They are going to learn their core and critical concepts in the way that is easiest for them to acquire fluency. To do that, you need to really watch what they’re doing and understand how they are operating.
You will begin to realize that when you go shopping, they are learning to read because they are seeing signs or reading the description on the back of a game they think looks interesting; they are learning about money and using math when they look at the price and then count their money to see if they have enough to buy something. You start to see the learning in everything they are doing all day long. A YouTube video about fun things to do in your state leads to researching more about geography. A simple walk is an opportunity to see science in action in nature; seeing the wind blow, identifying trees and flowers, observing a bird search for food; and on and on and on.
Access to technology is a common fear among new unschoolers. But when your child tells you about a video game they are playing, really listen. Did they tell you about a challenge and how they are working to overcome it? Did they tell you their plan and how it took trial and error to figure it out? Did they tell you about how many coins they need in the game to be able to buy a new skin and how they figured that out? In one short time period of playing a game, they have used critical thinking skills, strategy, problem solving, reading, and math. If they are playing with other people, they have used language skills, team building, and communication.
I used to spend a lot of time worry about my son’s executive functioning skills, or lack thereof. He forgets to get his water bottle when going to soccer. He grossly underestimates how long it will take him to be ready to leave to get somewhere on time. He regularly forgets that he has clothes in the washer and ends up having to wash them again because they stayed wet in there too long. One time, he even forgot to wear shoes to the zoo. We got all the way there, 30 minutes from home, and he had no shoes. We had to leave and find a nearby shoe store so that we could continue with our day of showing grandparents around the zoo. (That’s one of those stories we will laugh about and tell forever, lol.)
But guess what. I don’t worry about it anymore. I know he has the skills, it’s just that he mostly uses them for things he finds more interesting and more important. When he tells me about a game he’s playing, he describes his detailed plan to get to the next level, how long he’s been working on it, the steps he must take do it, and how long it will take for him to do it. And now, all that is often followed up by telling me he needs to eat dinner soon because he is going to livestream on Twitch. Those are some pretty good executive functioning skills in my opinion.
It’s all about timing. Just because you want someone to know something now doesn’t mean it’s the right time for them. Instead of feeling like you need to teach them everything they need to know as early as possible, just notice how they are learning what is important to them and doing it at their own pace. It will all come in time as they are ready for it. Trust the process.
Finding Community
One way to help yourself begin to trust the process, is by finding community, the fifth stage. It’s important to find other like-minded people to be able to ask questions and get support. There are lots of ways you can find your unschooling community. You can read blogs, listen to podcasts, watch YouTube videos, follow unschoolers on Facebook and Instagram, read articles about unschoolers as well as articles that include research data. You can join a homeschool co-op or playgroup and start conversations to see if anyone else has the same outlook on learning and life as you do. Maybe they aren’t quite as far along on their unschooling journey as you but it’s better than not having anyone. Or maybe they are way far along and can help you get further. It’s possible that they have never even heard of unschooling and you are opening them up to a whole new world of possibilities, a road you can go down together.
I personally like to read blogs and articles, and this is what I did when we first began unschooling. I would read several articles every day for months. It helped me absorb information about unschooling and begin to understand what our days would look like by changing our family dynamic. I also joined just about every unschooling Facebook group I could find. I would read people’s posts/questions and then read all the comments and answers trying to understand and remind myself that I am not the only one out there doing things differently; and I gained so much knowledge about unschooling and respectful parenting. Whether in-person, online, in-print, audio – whatever it is, just find ways to know that you are not alone in this. There are others out there like you and your family.
Mourning Your Own Childhood and Healing
In the sixth stage of awakening, you will go through a period of mourning your own childhood. As you give freedom to you children, you start to realize how different your upbringing could have been. You will start thinking about all the ways your experience could have been better if you were given the same choices and respect you give to your children. What if I had been allowed to leave school? What cool things could I have done? Would I have a different career if I wasn’t forced to go down a certain path? If I had been supported in my passion for art, maybe I would be an artist now instead of working a job I don’t even really like. What if my parents didn’t shame me for getting a bad grade? What if I didn’t feel like I couldn’t make any mistakes without getting in trouble? There are a million “what if” questions you could be thinking, and they will be different for everyone based on your personal experience.
It will be uncomfortable at first to acknowledge that your childhood wasn’t as perfect and wonderful as you have been telling yourself. Your parents or whomever raised you was most likely doing the best they could. Accepting that they weren’t trying to make things difficult for you, they just did as best they could at the time, can take a while to wrap your head around but it’s a part of this awakening and something for which to strive. Like the quote by Maya Angelou, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”
While all this is going on you will also be doing a lot of self-reflection. You will be remembering things from your childhood that you had forgotten and will need to confront them as you ask yourself questions as situations arise. Why am I reacting this way? What is triggering me? What could I do to handle things differently?
Here’s an example. I used to assume my daughter was attacking me with her words. It felt like everything out of her mouth was intended to hurt me or make me feel bad. We were constantly on the defensive with one another. She would be offended and say that she wasn’t, and it was straining our relationship. I had to ask myself why did I assume she was attacking me? I was repeating the same patterns I had with my mother. I felt interrogated and like I couldn’t have my own personal or private thoughts and so I was defensive, which made her defensive. I was just repeating a cycle and I needed to break that cycle. So, I started assuming positive intent from my daughter and not making everything about me. Just by me changing my mindset, our relationship has drastically changed for the better. We are so much more open and honest with one another. And, although we don’t always agree on everything (it’s impossible with a teenager, they are finding themselves and figuring out who they are apart from their parents), even when we disagree it’s not a huge fight and we continue on with our day peacefully.
Another example. I used to get so frustrated when the kids didn’t put their things away, or spilled something and didn’t clean it up, or didn’t hurry so we could get out the door on time. I made myself crazy trying to control everything and being mad when it didn’t all go the way I planned. I would say, “Why are you doing this to me?” My perfectionism and need for everything to be in order, clean, planned ahead of time to make me feel in control of my life, was holding me back from truly enjoying my life with my kids. I can tell you from experience that perfectionism has no place in unschooling. The need to control everything so your world feels perfect will not go well when you have unschooled kids that enjoy their freedom. Everything I thought the kids were doing to me, was really something I was doing to myself because of the way I reacted. I had to do the work on myself to be able to move forward and start behaving in a way that aligned with the values of unschooling and respectful parenting that I was trying to put into action in our family.
When you do react in a way that you wish you didn’t, it’s important to acknowledge it. I have learned to apologize and talk through it with my kids and my husband. It’s humbling how often I have to do this, especially when we first started unschooling. But I have watched them become less defensive and more understanding because we are all open and honest with each other when we make a mistake. It’s ok to make mistakes. Don’t get stuck on them. Learn from them and then move on.
Continuing to Challenge Beliefs and Let Go of Conditioning
The seventh stage of awakening is one that really doesn’t end. Fear and self-doubt will continue to creep in. Something will happen and you will have a reaction that doesn’t align with your values in unschooling and respectful parenting. You will have to pause and really think about why you reacted that way and discover another layer of conditioning that you need to work through. Sometimes they will be subtle and sometimes it will smack you right in the face.
For me, I notice it happens mostly when the kids ask me to do something and my initial reaction is no. And when they ask why and I can’t give a good reason, I know it’s time for self-reflection and to peel back another layer of conditioning. When I can’t answer but I am still not ready to say yes, I just tell them that I am feeling conflicted and I need to think about it. I let them know I just need a little time and then we can talk about it again. Because I am honest and not defensive, they understand.
Sometimes I don’t change my mind and I explain to them why I made that decision. Sometimes I will agree to whatever it is they asked because intellectually I know it’s ok, but I might still feel uncomfortable about it. But that’s ok. They shouldn’t be deprived of something just because I don’t want to feel the discomfort. Learning to sit with your feelings, good or bad, is a necessary part of humanity. We may not have been allowed to have all our feelings growing up, but we need to own them now so that our kids don’t have to do all this work when they grow up.
I don’t think the work will ever be completely done, but I do think that you can get to a place where the bad reactions don’t happen very often anymore. We are breaking the cycle so our kids can just enjoy life, now and as adults. As you work through these stages of awakening to unschooling, give yourself grace. It’s emotional and it can be messy. But I promise it’s worth it.