As parents, many of us go through a period of adjustment after having kids. It’s all so new and can be overwhelming. For some, this adjustment happens pretty quickly. From the beginning, you just know what to do and you move right into your new role while also being able to maintain your own identity. For others, like me, it’s more of a struggle. I didn’t feel confident as a new parent. As a result, I completely let go of my personal needs and gave everything I had into being a mother. Because I didn’t feel like the “old” me knew what to do, I tried to create a “new” me that was a great parent. The problem was that deep down I was still the “old” me. And that me was just as important and wanted to be seen and heard.
It took me years to figure out that my needs are just as important as everyone else’s needs. Intellectually I knew it but accepting it and allowing myself to actually do something about it were two different things. Cultivating a family life which honors unschooling and respectful parenting practices for your children means you also have to model that behavior by honoring yourself. Let’s take a look at why it’s important and how to do it.
Why It’s Important
You’re still a human with your own needs. Being a parent doesn’t strip you of your personal goals, interests, wants and needs. Respectful parenting is about meeting the needs of each individual in the family. We all work together to try to make the best choices for everyone, not just for the child or children.
You’re important too. It’s easy to focus all our energy on our children because they are so important to us, but we are important too. We need to maintain our identity outside of being a parent to show our children what it looks like to honor and respective themselves. Unfortunately, I didn’t do this when my kids were young. I completely lost my identity because I had a hard time balancing my own needs with meeting theirs…which when they are young feels like they need you all the time (at least it did to me). When they became tweens, things changed, and they didn’t need me as much. I felt completely and utterly lost and didn’t know what to do with myself and my new free time. I was depressed and sad and I remember literally wandering around my house trying to think of something to do. I didn’t even know what I liked to do anymore because I had not allowed myself to maintain my own personal interests. This went on for a good year to year and half as I struggled to get back to the “old” me. I don’t recommend letting yourself to get to that point – it’s so not fun!
Self-care and restoration are critical in the quest for balance within your life. Living as unschoolers following respectful parenting practices is time intensive, and it requires full presence most of the time. Even when the kids are tweens and teens, although the amount of time you are needed may not be as great, the time they do need is important and needs your full attention. Just remember, everyone needs a break. It helps you stay healthy, mentally and physically.
For those of you that find it hard to take a break because it feels too indulgent, know that there is a difference between self-indulgence and self-care. Essentially, this difference is the outcome.
Self-care habits help us stay healthy and at the top of our game. Self-indulgent habits, like binge watching TV or avoiding important responsibilities, tend to be short-term fixes rather than real solutions to health needs. Self-care also tends to feel good over time, whereas self-indulgence is fun at first but can eat at our health over time.
How to Do It
Give yourself permission. No one else can do this; you have to change your mindset. If this is a struggle, talk to your spouse or partner and tell them that you want to take some time for yourself and you need them to encourage you to do it. If you know they support it and will take over while you are doing something for yourself it should help you more easily be able to take that time. Start small with 15 minutes to take a walk or listen to music. Then work your way up to an hour to read a book or take a leisurely bath. When you’re ready, take a half day or a full day and go shopping, have lunch with a friend, get a massage, take a walk at a park, volunteer at your local animal shelter. Just start taking a little bit of time for yourself. The more you do it, the easier it will become.
Set boundaries. Figure out your limits and create boundaries that allow you to stay calm and positive. When boundaries are broken is when we lose our cool, get angry and take it out on those around us. We need to learn how to prevent that. It will still happen sometimes but the more you define your boundaries, the less it will happen. Just be honest with your family and tell them what you need or tell them you are feeling overwhelmed and need help.
For instance, recently I was outside sitting on the deck taking a call with a friend. My daughter came outside to see what I was doing and began hovering around trying to listen (she admitted to it, lol). I told her that it was something I wanted to do in private, which is why I had gone outside, and that I needed this time for myself. She rolled her eyes a bit (she is a teenager so it’s to be expected) but she went back inside and left me to finish my call in private. Sometimes you just have to explain yourself for them know what you really need. Honest communication will almost always work.
Finally, set an example. The best way to teach your kids to honor themselves is for them to see you doing it. We are with them more than anyone and they absorb everything we are doing even when we don’t realize it. When I first started taking more time for myself, I began by telling my husband that I needed to take the time. He had been telling me for years to do more for myself so he was on board with anything I wanted to do. Not surprisingly, my kids noticed that I was doing something different. I started slow with things like going grocery shopping alone and joining a book club that met monthly, asking the kids to give me a night off and ask dad (it’s the little things, lol). Over the years I have worked my way up to taking as much time as I need for myself without feeling bad about it or like I am dropping the ball at home.
This year I hired a personal trainer and schedule time in my day for my workouts. I have been getting massages every few weeks to help with the muscle aches and pains that I now have from my workouts, lol. I go get pedicures about once a month and I go to lunch with friends occasionally. It doesn’t have to be anything elaborate. It can be as simple as listening to your favorite music or taking time to go for a walk and enjoy nature. You could make yourself a special meal or go out and order a decadent dessert all for yourself. Just anything that makes you happy and leaves you feeling recharged and refreshed. Something that allows the kids to see you are happy and that you have taken time for yourself, sending them the message that it’s okay and they can do that too.
Living an unschooling lifestyle is the most freeing thing you can do for your family. Always remember that unschooling is about the entire family and everyone’s needs can be met through respectful parenting, honest and open communication. The longer you live this way, the easier it will get. Honoring yourself will show your children how to honor themselves. Your love and support will help them become their true and authentic selves.