Hi, my name is Stephanie and I am a recovering control freak. For as far back as I can remember, I have worked hard to control my surroundings. As a younger child, I would line up my knickknacks on my dresser and they had to be in a specific order. As a teenager, the night before school I would lay out my clothes next to my bed in the shape of a person, including jewelry, shoes, etc. In my 20’s, everything in my house had to be in it’s rightful place down to the angle and order of the television remotes on the coffee table. In my 30’s, I had children and I attempted to control every moment so they had the perfect amount of sleep, naps, food, playtime, etc. And that’s when it became really exhausting.
It’s one thing to micromanage every aspect of your own life, but when you add in two kids that are only 15 months apart and your husband travels for work all the time, it’s not sustainable. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I tried my best and actually managed to do it for years. I was commended for my organizational skills and asked how I always had my sh!t together when the others around me said they didn’t. I’ll tell you how. I stayed up too late getting things done, got up too early getting things done, didn’t take time for myself to recharge, and on and on. I ended up having anxiety attacks quite frequently where I would end up hyperventilating, crying, and then feeling awful. I couldn’t let anyone see me like this, they would know that I really couldn’t do everything perfectly. Luckily, I had a few close friends that I could confide in and I started thinking about letting go of control and perfection.
Notice I said “thinking.” I started out slowly letting go of little things here and there but it wasn’t until we started homeschooling/unschooling that the process of letting go became not just a conscious choice I was making, but an absolute necessity (check out my blog post “From Public Schooling to Unschooling” for the full story on our transition to unschooling). Unschooling is child-led learning allowing each child to pursue his/her interests at their own pace in a way that suits him/her best. Radical Unschooling takes this same concept and applies it to all aspects of life, not just education. As our family slid into radical unschooling is when I really had to learn how to let go of control and start to trust. At the time we began this transition the kids were tweens so things were already changing as they were wanting more independence.
One of the first things I remember letting go of and learning to trust was regarding bedtime. My kids had always had a bedtime. That’s what you did. You picked a time and every night except on special occasions you do the bedtime routine, and the kids go to bed. Suddenly, they weren’t tired at bedtime so they started staying up a bit later. I felt obligated to stay up as long as they did even though I was tired and wanted to go to bed. This was going to require me to trust them to be awake in the house during the night and I wouldn’t know everything they are doing – gasp! Why was that so hard? They had never given me any reason not to trust them but it was so hard to let go of control and let them make the choice.
And once bedtime was gone, everything else started being questioned now too. They would ask things like: Why do I have to take a shower every other day? Why do I have to eat this lunch if I want to make something else on my own? Why does it matter if I sleep in the clothes I have been wearing all day? Why does it matter if I play on my iPad for hours (now it’s their phones, lol)? Well, the only reason I had for any of it was because that’s what we had been doing. But why had we been doing it that way I was asked on many occasions. I had no good answer and had to start asking myself the same questions. Upon reflection, I figured out that I was just doing what others were doing and I had no other reason. What I discovered was that to let go and trust my kids, I had to learn to also trust myself.
Somehow over the years, I had lost confidence in myself and my ability to handle any situation. It’s not surprising really. When you grow up with adults not trusting you to be able to make your own decisions you don’t really learn how to do it. For example, when I graduated high school I was expected to immediately go to college in the fall. I told my parents I didn’t want to go but they made me go anyway. I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t go to my classes. I only took one final (my ballet class, I loved ballet). Well, it shouldn’t have been any big surprise that I flunked out after the first semester. My parents made it out to be such a big deal and made me feel terrible (mom, I know you’re reading this; don’t worry, I’ve moved on). I think I lost even more trust in myself after having children. I felt like I knew absolutely nothing about how to take care of them and plenty of others were right there to jump in and provide all kinds of well-meaning advice. It was hard to trust my own instincts when all of these other people seemed to know so much more than I did. Feeling as though I had control over my situation always made me feel better, at first. But then, after a while the controlling becomes obsessive and all consuming.
Here are few things I have learned about control: (1) We try to control things because of what we think will happen if we don’t. Basically, control is rooted in fear. (2) Control is being attached to a specific outcome. When we trust that we can handle any outcome, we can let go. (3) The energy of control is negative. It doesn’t allow you to be in the moment because you are feeling stressed and anxious about the outcome.
By surrendering control we can get to a place of peace and calm. Surrender literally means “stop fighting.” So, it’s important to stop this internal battle in your mind and the need to control everything. And surrendering leads to trusting.
What exactly is trust? One definition is “the reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc. of a person or thing; confidence.” There’s that word again, confidence. I never really thought about the connection until now. Here are some things I have learned about trust: (1) Your ability to trust others correlates with your ability to trust yourself. (2) Accept and trust yourself fully. When you do it’s much easier to accept and trust others, especially your kids. (3) Trust can make you feel vulnerable but it’s in that vulnerability where we find strength and what is really important to us.
An example of when I trusted myself was after I flunked out of college I went to cosmetology school. It’s what I wanted to do in the first place. I graduated, had a successful career as a hair stylist and decided that I wanted to go back to college. Going to college a few years older and ore mature made all the difference in the outcome. I got all A’s, was in the honor society, had a paper published in an academic journal, and ended up with a master’s degree in communication studies. Another example is when I made the decision to pull my kids out of public school. It was initially met with some resistance and questioning by my husband and our parents. But I knew it was the right decision and trusted my instincts. Thank goodness! Because our kids are thriving and absolutely amazing teenagers now. They are confident in their choices. They may ask for support and guidance, but ultimately they trust themselves.
So how do we intentionally work on building trust with our children?
· Help break down difficulties into manageable steps. It’s important for kids to know they have your support but you can still let them work through each part of a challenge.
· Set an example. If you say you’re going to do something, then follow through and do it. If something comes up that make it impossible to follow through, give them a reason why to help them understand.
· Don’t break promises. Use the words “I promise” very carefully and only use them when you know you can do it. One small broken promise can tremendously diminish your child’s trust in you.
· Show mutual respect. When a child grows up respected they are more apt to confide and trust in their parents.
· Really listen to your child. Make eye contact and show genuine interest in what they have to say.
· Always be honest with your kids. If you’re always honest with them trust will build naturally without much effort.
I wish I could say that it’s easy to always trust my kids and that I absolutely do so without question 100% of the time. But, I am human and still working on it. One thing I can say without a doubt though, is that I do trust myself to be able to recognize when I need to step back and let go of my need to control. And, if for whatever reason I miss an opportunity to show my kids I trust them, they are quick to point out that I need to give them the space to make their own choices. We all trust that we are doing our best and we trust in the process of radical unschooling.