What defines a healthy relationship? Well, first we need to define a relationship. A relationship is any connection between two people. There are four main types of relationships – family, friends, acquaintances, and romantic. (I will spare you the long academic definitions of these four, because I think you have at least a basic understanding of them to see where I am going with this) Each of these relationships has their own unique differences and dynamics. But, I think more importantly, they all of have something in common when it comes to a healthy relationship – mutual respect for one another and a genuine concern for each other’s well-being.
I came across the following quote recently: “In a healthy relationship, autonomy, independence, and individuality are celebrated, not controlled. When someone loves you, they encourage your growth; they do not restrict, limit, stunt, or confine you or your life in any way.” Just stop and think about these words for a moment. I mean REALLY think about them.
These two sentences say and explain so much. They are clear and concise and should be easy to follow. I think for most, it’s not too difficult to fulfill the words in the quote when it comes to acquaintances, friendships, and romantic relationships. Why, then, do so many struggle to follow these seemingly simple words when it comes to the family relationship between a parent and child? Why is it so hard to let go of control when it comes to your kids?
The answer is fear. FEAR – False Evidence Appearing Real. We have been conditioned as parents to believe that if we do not control what our kids are doing, then there will be catastrophic consequences. It’s folklore that has been passed down through generations and perpetuated by mainstream media and culture. And, if you as a parent dare to do something differently and give your kids space to make their own choices and follow their own path, you are usually questioned by other family members, friends, etc. Often, you then begin to question your decision and then retreat back to the familiar, which is asserting control over your kids.
But, if you can push through the fear, push through the chatter and noise of others, and truly follow your heart to giving up control over your kids, the benefits will amaze you. It takes courage and it takes time. You may have to limit your time with certain people to be able to stay strong until you feel more confident in your decision. You may have to stop watching the news or talk shows to stop hearing information that will make you question your decision. Seek out others who are on the same path and find solace together in your newfound awareness.
So, how do you define a healthy relationship with your child? Ask yourself the following questions.
- Do you give your child autonomy to make their own choices? About everything, not just the little things.
- Does your child feel independent and capable of making their own choices even if they are not the ones you would make for them?
- Does your child feel celebrated in their individuality?
- Does your child feel like they can make a mistake and come to you and not be judged or ridiculed?
- Do you restrict, limit, stunt, or confine your child’s decision-making ability in any way?
If you can answer “Yes” to questions 1-4 and “No” to question 5, then you are well on your way to a healthy relationship with your child. If you answered any of the questions differently, then you may want to reevaluate your own choices in how you interact with your child. It’s okay if there is work to do to get there. Continued personal growth is the key to success. Just keep working on it and find a community with healthy relationships that will support you and celebrate your progress.
In the end, we really all just want the same thing; to be seen and heard, to feel that what we have to say matters, to feel loved and connected to others without fear of judgement; to just be ourselves. Developing healthy relationships in the home is the starting point for building healthy relationships outside of the home. And, that’s when real change begins to happen in our world.
Want to talk more about this or other topics? Reach out to me at Stephanie@WanderLearnEducationalEmpowerment.com.