Let me just be perfectly honest…I feel lost right now and I don’t know what to do with myself. I am basically in a functional freeze feeling overwhelmed with emotions. I don’t know what direction I want to take with my life right now so I am just kind of doing nothing, spinning in circles.
Let me also make it clear that I AM OK. But, things have changed a lot over the past few months and the vast amount of time I have this summer is compounding it all. I’ll explain…
Let me back up a little bit and start by saying, I have spent years (YEARS!) working to create a lifestyle for our family that is peaceful and joyful. We got out of the public school system, we started unschooling, we practice respectful parenting, etc. All things that have made us a close happy family and eliminated unnecessary stress. Although we have continued to be busy, it hasn’t been a hectic, harried kind of busy…just an everybody likes what they are doing and we get to go do it kind of busy.
Now, here are some of the things that have changed recently. My husband’s new job requires him to be gone from home more (like weeks at a time), my son has been driving for more than a year now so I no longer have to take him to any of his activities, and my daughter will be driving in a month but she already has friends that drive so I don’t have to take her to as many things now either. Even though I don’t have to transport kids as much, my days are usually still busy making sure everyone is fed – which is literally all day every day because everyone is on a different schedule, I do my workout, I take care of household chores, meal planning and grocery shopping, do some work, etc.
But now it’s summertime. My son is staffing at a Boy Scout Camp and is only home for 12 hours on the weekend – just long enough to do laundry and sleep in his own bed. My daughter is hanging out with friends all the time since they are out of school. My husband is traveling for work. And I am home basically just binge-watching Netflix and Prime.
This happened to me a few years ago when the kids were tweens and began cocooning and started figuring themselves out more. I had my whole identity wrapped up in them and didn’t know what to do with myself. I thought I had worked through most of it, but apparently, I haven’t. Because here I am again, lol.
I don’t want to wish away time, but I am ready for it to be August, and everyone gets back into their routine…so that I can get back to a routine. I only have a few more years where the kids will be kids and I want to put all of myself into my family. I am in the home stretch. I have been a stay-at-home mom for 17+ years already and I have to see it through until they are ready to leave the nest.
But the nest already feels a little empty and they haven’t even left yet. This is something I have to face head on. Dealing with these emotions. But I don’t want to, wah! And here we are back to the functional freeze. It’s summer and I feel lost.